A Grumble

They say you should never write in anger. However, I feel this is the exact time to say what I need to say.

I’m bloody angry. 

I’ve spent years dealing with anxiety and depression. I know who I was before I became unwell. But what is becoming crystal clear now that I’m recovering is just how many people DON’T know who I am.

My mental illness does NOT define me. It is not who I am as a person. It’s merely a set of symptoms and behaviours associated with anxiety and depression. It’s not an intrinsic part of my personality. 

Now that I’m in recovery and making great strides, it really hurts when people say “Oh, that’s not like you!”. They express surprise, even shock, when I do well at work or follow through on something I said I would do. 

They even comment on the fact I wake up in the morning - never mind the fact that I’m a mother to a toddler and wake up every morning anyway?! Plus I’m up several times through the night breastfeeding. So if I’m tired in the morning and choose to sleep for longer, while the father of my child takes over, that doesn’t mean I’m lazy or sleep all the time. It means I’m a tired mum!! 

Yes, my productivity levels have increased. That’s cos I’m in recovery and my brain is no longer struggling to form coherent thoughts through a heavy fog. It’s like I’ve been walking through mud, rain, and fog only for the clouds to clear and the ground to become firm again. The contrast is amazing. You know when you’ve been on the treadmill and you get off and walk on the ground. The feeling of almost walking on air? That’s how I feel now.

It hurts when people make comments saying that I am unreliable, flakey, all talk - why can’t they stop for a moment and consider that maybe, just maybe, that was due to my mental health issues? I may have appeared that way in the past. Maybe I actually was those things before - but that was before, not now. 

The real me is ambitious, driven, passionate, efficient, reliable, productive...

But doubt creeps in. Maybe my memory of who I was is skewed. Maybe I am actually unreliable, lazy and flakey. Maybe I am actually all the things I blamed on my mental illness.

When someone is in recovery, they are still fragile. Their sense of self is being rebuilt. They are still fighting with the demons in their head. That voice saying they will fall again. That they are the manifestations of their mental illness.

If you truly want to support someone going through recovery, don’t make comments on their behaviour/personality/any other changes you note. Because maybe they are just going back to who they were and you never really knew them in the first place. 

Praise them, be positive, support them. Leave the past where it belongs and keep an eye to the future. Accept them for who they are and let them simply be.