I'm lying in my bed watching the sun pour through the window. As I feel its warm rays caress my bare skin, I'm reminded of days when even the sun's warmth could not penetrate the heavy veil of misery enshrouding me. The dark days of depression and anguish.
Today, I'm feeling blessed. I can appreciate the sight of the blue sky outside, with wisps of clouds strolling lazily by.
However, days like this are a double-edged sword. While it is a wonderful feeling to be reminded of my capacity for joy and happiness, it is also a reminder of just how dark those days of depression were.
It is said that light cannot exist without darkness, and vice versa. How true this is. Just how dazzling that light is. How fathomless that darkness is. The contrast is almost unbearable.
You see, while I'm happy to finally be in a place of recovery, it is also a bittersweet experience. The enjoyment of reading a novel after so long not being able to even pick up a book and read, while a wonderful feeling, is also a sad reminder of a time when I was not able to experience that joy.
My brain is working now. I can see and think clearly. Ideas, thoughts and inspiration are pouring out of me, impossible to suppress. Like a river that's been dammed and ready to burst at the banks.
To be at this point in my recovery is like standing at a bend on a mountain path. Able to look back and see where I've been, and to look forward and see how far I have to go. The summit is in sight. I want to run there! But dammit, it's hard work. So close and yet so far.
What no-one tells you about recovery is the pain you feel at every new achievement, every step forward you take. The constant reminders of just how suppressed, how fallen you were. In some ways, it was easier to be depressed and blind to the potential life has to offer - after all, you can't miss what you don't know.
What I am now is hungry. Hungry for joy, passion, life. Having been starved for so long, I now want to make the most of every sunny day. Take those sun beams into my hands and dance, swirling them around my head. More than anything, I want to LIVE - suck the marrow out of life and embrace life for what it has to offer.
After all, what is living if not taking the rough with the smooth, the sweet with the sour, the highs with the lows? What is life if not agony and ecstasy all at once?
