I'm writing this as a friend sent me a link to this BBC article. Thursday 2nd February was Time to Talk Day, which aims to remove the stigma surrounding mental health.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-38814377
Reading the stories touched me. People spoke of how they had lost jobs, friends, relationships because of their illness and the lack of support and understanding. I could empathise because it happened to me too.
Yes, I'm coming out as someone with mental health issues *rolls eyes* Like it's even something to come out about.
Just to get one thing straight before I continue, EVERYONE has mental health just like physical health, We all get colds right? Same goes for mental health. We can have bad days where we feel a little "meh". Sometimes we get seriously ill like cancer. Same goes for mental health, where you could get depression. And I don't mean "Oh I'm so depressed, my favourite band just broke up". I mean "Life is not worth living. I feel no joy. The world is better off without me". That kind. The true kind. We ALL have mental health. I repeat myself as I really want to press home this point, The question is how good our mental health is and how we and others react when it starts declining.
Looking back over the years, I recognise that I have had periods of ill mental health. When I was a teenager, I was full of rage and self-loathing. Such a cliche. But it was a dark period. I self-harmed because it was the only way to release all those dark churning emotions. I cried myself to sleep at night cos I didn't want to be me, I didn't want to feel those things anymore.
You want to know what I remember the most, looking back? It's not the pain and self-loathing or the pillows soaked with tears. It's how my family reacted. They said I wasn't "right in the head", and that I was fucked up. Even now, they bring up what an "horrible person" I was back then. As if it was a personal failing on my part.
As a new graduate, I started a new job as a rehabilitation co-therapist (posh word for mental health support worker) at a mental health hospital. It was there I discovered just how non-supportive the workplace can be. At the time I started the job, I was having issues with my brother who was drinking and living with me. I made the hospital aware so they could hopefully understand when I couldn't make it to work. After all, they specialise in mental health right? They would surely understand right? ....
There were times I really struggled to get out of bed. The shifts were long, 7am to 7.30pm. I lived more than an hour away by public transport. So this meant waking at 5am. Anyone who has experienced depression will understand this when I say it was a fucking massive achievement to arrive at work albeit five minutes late. Even at all! But all I got was a bollocking for being five minutes late. Zero understanding. Eventually I quit because I just couldn't face it anymore. Looking back, I can identify that I was suffering from anxiety. At the time, I had no label for the paralysing sensation I experienced when I tried to go to work.
The next workplace was amazing - I was still suffering lingering issues. My manager sat me down and offered his support, explaining about counselling and flexible working. That changed everything. I started counselling for nearly a year and was given time off to attend the sessions. And it really really helped. I was finally able to identify the self-destructive habits I was engaging in. They may have changed from when I was a teenager but still self destructive nonetheless.
I'll share one thing about this. The counsellor asked me why I stayed up late knowing that I had work the next day. I shrugged. Because I couldn't sleep?? She said it was because I didn't value myself enough, that I was engaging in a behaviour that would ultimately make things harder for myself i.e. wake up late for work and thus berate myself for it and continuing the cycle of self-hatred.
Sounds so obvious, doesn't it? But it was a light-bulb moment for me. Identifying behaviours can be the first step towards changing for the better. And so it was for me.
Thus followed a period of happy years where I met someone, fell in love, started my dream career, got engaged, bought a house nadanada.
Then it all started going wrong. I experienced a difficult time at work and developed anxiety. Which then turned into depression.
"How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" ?? Become depressed, Watch as people around you struggle to understand and deal with your moods. Watch as they drift away. Feel even shittier as you convince yourself it's your fault and you're worthless.
Shit. Didn't mean to vomit all this onto here. But perhaps it's just as well. After all, people should know this kind of stuff right?
Anyone who knows me should (hopefully) know that I am not one to wallow - except for the occasional bad day where I'll hide under the duvet. I am a problem-solver. I like to think positively. I like to keep moving forward and think of Plan B, C, D and so on....I'm currently on Plan E, ha. But I'm still here and still fighting. I WILL get better. I AM getting better.
But....I'm angry. I'm angry that my family said I was fucked up. That I wasn't right in the head. I'm angry that my mother's sister killed herself having suffered anxiety and depression for years. That despite this, my mother still does not understand how debilitating it can be.
I'm angry that I've lost a career I loved, and that I was treated appallingly by so-called professionals who really should have known better. I'm angry that my plans changed.
And yet...I've learnt so much about myself, other people and life. I now have a beautiful baby girl, good friends who have stuck by me through the dark periods, a supportive partner. I'm even still great friends with my ex-fiance who is still in my life. I'm very lucky.
However, I'm keenly aware that it could be so different. I try to be open about my health issues so people can learn from it and break the stigma. You'd be surprised how many people are going through a silent battle. The cry of "Me too!" is something I've heard so many times.
What I want all of you to take from this post is this....
1. Mental health is something we all have - good and bad.
2. Talking helps. Addressing issues head on helps. Don't avoid them.
3. If you don't understand what someone is going through, research it. Ask them how you can help.
4. Offer support whether it's professional or personal. You'd be surprised how effective a cup of tea or a hug is at brightening even the darkest of days.
5. Most importantly, don't be an ignorant dick. Mental health issues are not something to be glossed over or ignored or joked about. They are real and painful. Be kind.
It's time to talk. It's time to remove the stigma of mental ill health for once and for all. I have mental health issues. I choose to stand up and be counted. Will you??
