My Self

So... Where to begin? 

I wanted my blog to be about my personal journey so it's rather apt I'm writing this post while on an actual journey. I'm on my way to spend a week away with friends. Camping, fresh air, walking, laughter - just what the doctor ordered!

I'm reflecting on the journey I've made in the past two years particularly. For many reasons, it's been a wonderful and also painful time. I've loved and lost, gained new opportunities, seen others fall by the wayside. But most of all, I've learned a lot about myself. 

So what have I learned, you ask? Well...

I've learnt that I give away a piece of my soul with everything I do, and when things don't work out, it hurts like hell. Even something as seemingly mundane as a job. I've also learned that I'd rather it was this way than do something I don't believe in with every part of me. No do-overs, no regrets.

However, my passion for life has come at a price. I've lost people close to me because they couldn't handle my intensity. I've even been told that I'm "too much". Too much of what exactly? Simply that. Too much.

But what the hell does that mean? To have the life I crave and yearn for, does that mean I have to be a diluted version of myself? I tried that for a while and realised that it was simply unsustainable. I exhausted myself. 

I recall an English lesson once where the teacher was talking about growing up and getting older. He was my favourite teacher, and I learned a lot from him. Not just the beauty of literature, but of life itself. He made words dance and sing across the page, all the while throwing in snippets of insight about anything and everything. 

He was brought up strictly Roman Catholic. He told us that no matter how hard we may try, our true self will always find us and "grab us by the throat". Years since, I now realise he was talking about himself, and his sexual identity. However, those words have stayed with me. No matter how hard I try to please others, I simply cannot be anyone else other than me. It may seem obvious but it's taken me a while to learn this the hard way. Ironically, this teacher is now a priest...perhaps there's a lesson there about the influence of our upbringing??

Nevertheless, one cannot deny the truth of those words. I am me. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm passionate, impulsive, demanding, mercurial, cynical, romantic, angry, loving, full of good yet unfulfilled intentions. And more. Oh, so much more.

I suppose I'm beginning this blog again with the acknowledgement of my self. My beautiful, messy self. My self that is a work in progress by an inexperienced artist armed with nothing more than curiosity, passion and the unrelenting desire for more. More of what, we don't know. Just...more.